Mel Gibson defends the superiority of Italian wheat, and sorry if we doubted

Okay, but what can you say about Italian food? We have pasta, pizza, buffalo mozzarella, wine. The best wheat in the world. Things that Americans who grew up on fries, hamburgers, and Coca-Cola can only dream of. Repeat after us: Italy is the most beautiful country in the world, the one where the food is best, where everyone is happy and rides around on Vespas, playing hooky with the ladies.

And where pasta isn't harmful, because it's made with Italian wheat, grown with the sweat of our patriotic farmers. Minister Lollobrigida said it, and the champions of the national volleyball team said it—on her behalf. And you, unbelievers, are still there, doubting, making the Tricolore weep.

But now you can't do that anymore, enemies of the country, because now we have proof: Italy is a better place, thanks to our cheese (made with raw milk), our GMO-free wheat, and our meat, which is raised only on healthy farms. None other than Mel Gibson says so.

Lollobrigida quotes Mel Gibson

Yes, yes, that Mel Gibson, the one who shouted "Freedom" just before being ripped open. And also the one who recounted the Passion of Christ, and who once again chose Italy to tell another piece of it. He, yes, he's crazy about our food, and claims it's a thousand times better than American food. So you see, he's not racist, as some malicious people who occasionally put a few nasty, anti-Semitic remarks into his mouth say, like when he was arrested for drunk driving and someone accused him of telling the officers that Jews were responsible for all the world's wars? Or when, according to Winona Ryder (which Gibson denied), he told her she had escaped the crematoria? Or when he said in a recording that his then-girlfriend—who accused him of mistreatment, for which Gibson pleaded guilty to three years' probation—shouldn't have dressed that way, or else she would have been raped by a bunch of "ni*gers."

These are all malicious rumors, and the fact that Mel Gibson loves Italy proves it: not only is he not racist, he's also a good person. Intelligent, cultured, wise. Because he, yes, understood the superiority of Italian food.

And there's no point in us still talking about it, says Minister Francesco Lollobrigida. It's pointless for some here to "continue chasing absurd theories that would erase" the model of Italian superiority. Shut up, you people who doubt that we are "simply unique" and that we live "in the most beautiful nation in the world, with the best and most appreciated food in the world." Even Mel Gibson says it," Lollobrigida explains. "Isn't that enough to make you change your mind?

If Mel says so, we're in a safe place.

But what exactly does Mel Gibson say, which Minister Francesco Lollobrigida happily responds to while "praising Italian food"? Good old Mel, excellent Mel, the Mel who a few years ago had Variety magazine wondering how he still had a career, adores Italian food, which he's deepening his knowledge of while he's here filming The Resurrection of Christ. And you can't blame good old Mel, who, like so many foreigners, comes to Italy and falls in love with our specialties. And, Mel says, about the fact that our food hasn't been contaminated with GMOs, so "the wheat for pasta is wonderful, and you can eat it all day without turning into a pig." And "all the cheeses are wonderful," especially the buffalo mozzarella from Naples. And then there's raw milk, which, as far as we know, isn't among the government's preferences right now, but hey, if Mel Gibson says it and Lollobrigida reports it, maybe they'll change their minds about stricter labels to keep children safe.

And then there's meat, beef, and please save the cows, says Mel, and here we're starting to lose our heads, confused by too many slogans, with one saying "Long live Italy and long live our farmers, ranchers, and fishermen," and another in the video launching a more animalistic "Save the Beef," and we no longer know which battle we need to fight, whether to save the ranchers or save the beef, whether to become vegetarian to save them or eat them because they're good and healthy and better than American beef. What Mel says—but at Save the Beef, we admit we've lost the thread—is that beef is "our last chance of defense against all the environmental things that come to attack us." Beef, on the front lines defending humanity from who knows, maybe from climate change, who knows, if Mel Gibson says so, we believe him. Who wouldn't?