Antes de los niños, hay una lista de personas a las que les prohibiría la entrada al restaurante

Every now and then (or rather, quite often), someone comes along and claims that the problem with the restaurant industry is that parents bring their children to work. This usually happens when there aren't any bills for items costing millions of dollars, when no one is complaining that young people don't work hard and no longer want to live in the kitchen; in short, when statements that generate the most "likes" are scarce and it's time to revisit some of the most popular topics.

And that's it: children out of restaurants. Or rather, what a shame, after all, children shouldn't be touched! out with parents who don't know how to raise them. Those who force them to look at their cell phones to keep them quiet, or who take up a table demanding a plate of pasta with tomato sauce, or who let them scream, or worse, cry.

In short, please leave these children at home. And you know what? I say this as a mother, even before I say it as a customer: you're right.

Kids are a real pain. God, we parents know it. We try to raise them right, but every now and then, almost without warning, they decide to do whatever they want, they get moody, they disobey, and they assert their right to be kids.

And yes, we brought them into the world and we have to support them, to put it bluntly. We'll talk about it when our children are paying all our pensions, but that's another story; we're not here to argue about who's bothering whom more.

Because if that were the case, we'd have a list of people we, parents and diners, would want to ban from entering before putting up signs that said "no children allowed." Oh, and by the way, those signs and announcements are discriminatory, and we don't know how else to put it: it's simply wrong, and even borders on illegal, or at least indecent, to say that an entire category of people shouldn't be allowed in, regardless of how they behave. Because saying "no children allowed" implies assuming that all children are rude, noisy, that all children will make a mess of the table, break glasses, run around the dining room, and trip the waiters. And no, that's not the case at all. And it simply can't be assumed.

The categories we would like restaurants to offer (and thank you)

So here we are, telling you who we'd rather not see in restaurants again, before banning children altogether. Because I swear, in my long and frequent restaurant experience, children have generally been the least of our problems, especially in fine dining. And you know why? Because fine dining is expensive, and it's generally a place for an exceptional dining experience, and children are a nuisance. And you know who are the first ones who don't want to be disturbed during an exceptional dinner? Parents.

I swear, I've never encountered unruly children in a fine dining restaurant. I've seen families, with children clearly accustomed to that kind of atmosphere, sitting quietly at the table, savoring sweetbreads and caviar, and perhaps, at some point, engrossed in a mobile phone, but none of this affected or disturbed my table. I've taken my children to Michelin-starred restaurants, and they've generally tasted the food, sat calmly, enjoyed or disliked what was on their plate, and chatted (usually in an appropriate tone of voice) without getting up from their chairs. When they couldn't stand the long waits in those kinds of restaurants, we simply forgot about the pastries and all went home.

I wonder if the people at the next table thought we were crazy or just being annoying. I don't think so, and if they did, maybe they should lock themselves away in a convent, seeking absolute silence and people who have no intention of reproducing.

In short, I swear, in my personal experience, children in restaurants are the least of the problems I've encountered. But how lucky I am! On the other hand, I have come across (and I'd rather never encounter them again, if only a sign could keep them away and if there were a policy indicating what kind of people we don't want in restaurants, long before children):

• Annoyed customers who had drunk too much and kept drinking. Barolo or table wine, it doesn't matter.
• It's clear the customers weren't going to dinner with their wives, girlfriends, or probably even their lovers. You get the idea, right?
• Rude customers towards staff, such as those who try to get their attention by snapping their fingers.
• Tables full of excessively noisy customers, who had evidently come out to dinner to meet with old friends, or perhaps for the annual retreat of the national association of loud-talking people.
• Customers in slippers (yes, this is my problem, but usually the situation is: I spend the morning looking for the right outfit for that dinner, I yell at my husband because he's not dressed up enough, we get to the restaurant and he spends the whole time pointing out that that lady is wearing flip-flops, and that gentleman is wearing mismatched socks, and then next time he can dress however he wants, and well, our romantic dinner is ruined).

Maybe I'm done. Maybe. But these are the customers who have annoyed me the most at the restaurant over the years. Not you, though; you're annoyed by the children. Perfect, next time we can switch: I'll keep the children and you can take the rich, rude drunk at table two.